saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
