Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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