LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Randomize
