they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize