just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
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