I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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