the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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