How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
