he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
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