my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
