I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
