I'm eating all of the evidence.
home. puking in laundry basket.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
