make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I FOUND THE LEGS
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize