I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
It's official drugs can't kill me
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
