walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
