I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize