you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Randomize
