I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
