YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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