sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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