well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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