At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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