got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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