I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
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