Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Even the bartender felt bad for me
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
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