i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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