Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
