I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
im having a threesome with these popsicles
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
