no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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