Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize