he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
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