i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Randomize
