I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
