i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
My vagina is officially offended.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
