my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
