ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Randomize
