Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize