Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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