I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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