Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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