There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
