Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
