I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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