Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Randomize
