He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Randomize
