I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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