Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
