Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
too bad you live with your parents still
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Randomize
