Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
