is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
