I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
