I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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