areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
My ATM looks so different sober.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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