Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
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