I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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