Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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